Life After 25

A Conversation With his Ex

By: Anelile Gibixego

You have reached an age where everyone you meet has a juicy history and when you go into a relationship, you expect there to be a past relationship that brings you discomfort. Yes. There is. You also have one. The one that got away? Or maybe you’re the ex that causes fights in your ex’s relationship and you are also going through the same things with your boyfriends ex.

You think and wonder what their relationship was like and what broke them up. You sometimes think, if he would would leave you and go back to her if she gave him the chance. You have a certain discomfort when it comes to her. You study her subconsciously, you would never admit to it though. Never. You compare yourself with her because you know your partner is also comparing you to her. You don’t hate her, you just wish that she did not exist before you did.

I do not know why there is such hostility between the former and the current partner.I would think that the two of you would have a lot in common, hence you were attractive to the same man.

If only we could warn each other. “Do not date so and so, he has this, this and that issue” and other nonsenses. Just call up your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and ask her to give you the low down on the man. You know like past papers for an exam. You make notes from her and she tell you everything.

“John is a great lover but he didn’t want kids, so we had to break up.” You then think, oh okay… kids are costly anyway. She tells you how he loves his meat to be medium and how to wake him with a hot breakfast on Sundays and how he prefers orange juice to cranberry. She would tell you about his friends, Simon has been with Angel for years and Justice is a playboy yada yada… Wouldn’t it be cool?

Really though… What are you scared of? If you were to meet her at a gathering of a common friend. What would you do? Do you look at her up and down and smirk. Would you flaunt your man around so that she knows that you WON?

Assuming your boyfriends name is Jake, I’d imagine it would go something like this…

How long did you date?

Jake and I dated for three years. It feels like more because we went through so much in that three years; deaths of loved ones when we had to be the strength the other needs. Rough fights. Tough love. We went through milestones in our careers together and also shared many “firsts”… first flat, first job… first car even first dents. I can say it was three

years in earth calculations but at least three times that in history. But yeah three years with him.

Do you miss him sometimes and what do you miss?

Yes I miss him sometimes. I miss his sternness and how sure he was of everything. I miss how handy he is… I only learnt what a screw driver was once we broke up. I miss feeling taken care off, by him. I miss the way he would look at me and tell me that he loves me.

Well just sometimes, I miss him and wish there was a free love spell caster which would just bring him back to me. Then I remember the hurting… and I don’t miss that… I don’t miss the fighting. Your boyfriend is a very vindictive man at times. Quite spiteful when he wants to be. I don’t miss how he needed to be in control of everything and everyone in my life. I don’t miss explaining to him why my work and my hustle meant more to me that he ever would. I don’t miss his attitude towards my child, he was always questioning me about my spending and I always had to be apologetic because I had my son move in with me instead of letting him stay with my parents.

I do not miss the beatings. He hit me 31 times in three years. Only twice did I miss work because of the bruises. I do not really know why I let it get to that level. He hit me. He hit me for not listening to him. So you must listen to him. He hit me when I went out with friends and had fun and got back late. Do not do that. He hit me for being disrespectful. Do not be disrespectful. Do not answer back.

How did you please him sexually?

Our sex life was great… It was always orgasmic but never connecting, never bound. At first his appetite was intimidating then when we were comfortable with each other and formed a routine even though we had not moved in together. He wanted it. Everyday. Every night. Every morning. Under such pressures sex became a chore. Well… I went to my doctor and got some libido boosts. Just so that I would crave sex as much as he needed it. I started to need it too and it turned him off, saying I’m loose and other hurtful things. Well… I learnt to take the pills in moderation. Your boyfriend found pleasure in knowing that I was not enjoying the extra sex. It’s a fetish… so don’t be too eager. Save a little space for force. He enjoys that.

Tell me about his friends.

His brother is his best friend, he likes all of Jake’s girlfriends and side chicks. He will build a bond with you, ask you for advice on his girlfriend or side situation. Expect no honesty from him and don’t trust him. At the end of the day… boys over hoes. Peter is the one who appears to be the sanest amongst the whole bunch. He has a great job and makes good financial decisions and his main girlfriend is also a great woman who works a good job and has her own money.

But… He cheats on her all of the time and acts like the victim, always has an excuse for why he is sleeping with so and so. Well… That’s his choice. In reality he does horrible things and makes up for them because he has a lot of money. Then Scott is the sweetest thing and is really just clueless about everything. He is blindly loyal to Jake and will do whatever for him. He and his wife will easily hide everything from you so your alliance with her will not help YOU in anyway.

How did he react when he found out that you two were expecting a child?

It’s funny…he is the one who told me. I’d been on the pill for the longest time, so it was not planned. He said jokingly that he feels the extra heat down there, lol then one evening he gave me a test and said he really thinks I might be pregnant. We took the test and it was positive. I asked him. Do you want to keep the baby? He said yes. We will be fine. I obviously started making plans and saving, changing things and my lifestyle. He continued like nothing was the matter.

I had to work harder and for longer hours. So that I had enough provisions. We moved in together and cut down on rent. He said that he would go to my home and pay damages. He didn’t. The whole pregnancy was covered by my medical aid. I saw less and less of him… I went alone to classes and for check-ups. It was OK. I fell into a sadness. Then one day the doctor told me I had an STI, herpes, and it would get to the baby as it was already advanced. Intense treatment had to be done.

Invasive and painful treatment. I went alone. I went into a deep depression and started to accumulate a toxic rage for him. The doctor told me that our son was stressed and I needed to eat better and to take a rest or else I lose him. I asked about the cheating and he denied it… I lost our son at 4 months… his heart just stopped beating. I had to give birth to my dead son. Alone. My mother had to nurse me. I don’t blame the man you call babe.

I suppose our baby would have had to die anyway, I just wish he had been a better dad and boyfriend. It’s as if the lights came on for him. Then he became the faithful and caring and supportive man that I fell in love with. But it was too late. My son did not have to be a sacrifice for him to become a real man.

Why did you and John break up?

We broke up because I had to break free. There were many other women in our relationship. Some I would catch others I would just feel their existence but I never knew them. John has a shuffle in his step when he has a new side chick .Watch out for that. But I’d been so absorbed into him, his life and accomplishments that I lost track of me and the things that made me happy. So I fell out of love with him on my own. From a young age I was very ambitious.

I have always wanted to be greater. To be more. When I fell in love with him I was proud to be next to him and tell him that I am a powerhouse in transit. I am great at what I do and I could see my progress. I never had his support. He always kept asking me why I even bother. Every accomplishment that I had was minimalised as insignificant. Yet I had to always be ready with pom-poms for each of this achievements… At some point a woman must realise when she is being wasted.

How do you feel about him dating me now?

I have no feelings about you. Maybe pity… When he told me about you. He told me that he loves you and he wants to build a future with you. He wants to. But his own self might get in the way for that. I just told him to always think about the things I was unhappy about and he must fix them or else he will lose you too. I told him that if you are a good woman he must fight for you. I am not sure if he will be able to. I don’t really feel anything for you or your relationship.

What would you do with the information? Would you believe her or hate her for ill-speaking about bae. You look at her and she is absolutely content with everything she is saying and she is happily over your boyfriend. What if she says things that your fear? Break up with him? If we as women were to unite and stop hating each other, we could shape and build these men into the husbands we deserve.

Would you believe that this man is who you are so in love with now? I know I am an uncomfortable topic in the relationships of all of my exs. The current girlfriends will never find fault with me because, their men respect me. They will forever want to be part of my life, even if it is just as friends. At some point others ask me for their current relationship problems and how to fix things. So imagine, some girl hates me for no reason and yet I am the one keeping her relationship together. Well… It is not easy. To be this woman.

The truth is that no one is an island… Thank that woman. Respect her at least. Especially if she has a child with your boyfriend. You do not know what she had to go through so that you do not have to. The truth is men will easily blame the ex for whatever reason they broke up. In reality. He will always deep down want her again. Just so that he can make things right. You? You are in his life but you don’t know that if her mind changes and wants him back, would he leave you. He will always share special things with her. I suppose that is what makes people grumpy.

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