By: Kéy Smith
What I am finding out as I get older is that black men, millennials in particular, purposely go out of their way to date non-black women. From my point of view, black men have one of a few issues when it comes to black women and why they choose not to date us.
1. They like you just enough to tolerate.
2. They like you but they don’t want anyone else to know.
Or my favorite,
3. They won’t date you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
It’s like black men do not appreciate black women anymore. With the above mentioned reasons being what I have encountered, what I find so baffling is how one could not find black women attractive? What could have possessed men of color to be so cruel? To honestly and purposefully inflict what I call a permanent blindness upon ‘your person’ should be labeled criminal.
Men who exclusively date women outside of their ethnic culture deliberately in an attempt to gain a “better spouse” solely on the bases that this woman is non-black infuriate me. These are men that hit a self-proclaimed plateau in their life or in their career and refuse to look backward at the women in their lives that have supported them; their mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, girlfriend, best friend etc.…I feel that black men should celebrate the women who have helped mold and shape them into the men they have become.
Instead many, not all, but more than a few black men have decided to devalue them (women of color). You, (men of color) have placed women of color beneath you. Some would say you sold out and bought in into a seemly better alternative. In your hour of triumph you chose not to hold the black women in your life by your side but instead at your back. Black men opt for a trophy wife and/or what society would call a piece of arm candy. This frame of mind would be better categorized as a cliché if nothing else; nonetheless these are the men that suffer the most when it comes to long-term relationships (in my opinion).
I see Black men become infatuated with Hispanic culture often negating their own. I’ve seen the two world’s intertwine. I see Black men deliberately choose Spanish women over Black women time and time again. And often enough, I wonder why? Black men go through extreme lengths to negate themselves from black women. It’s all too familiar here in NYC, in my community it has become the “norm”.
I encounter tall beautiful black men every day and by their side you will see a small petite Spanish woman that appears to be a child let alone a spouse. Everyday these men look at me and immediately look away as if I’m not worth a second glance. Now, contrary to what I just said, I believe I am an attractive woman.
I’ve never had a problem getting a date but I do run into the stereotypical insults on a daily basis. You know the one’s I’m talking about. The back door compliments that people say to you as if you should be flattered but they’re so insulting all you can do is nod and walk away. “Is that all your hair?” “Wow, you don’t have any kids?” “You don’t talk the way most black girls do”, and my favorite, “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” Etcetera, etcetera. As a black woman, I’ve come to realize that society has placed several stipulations on my beauty and the beauty of any woman of color.
I’m not allowed to be viewed as beautiful on my own, I have to be told when to be beautiful or have my beauty robbed from me like a thief in the night and worn by multiple suspects before it is recognized as gold. This is where colorism sets in. Throughout many cultures you will see that black and brown people are at the bottom more specifically women. It never fails. In the U.S, in China, India, Africa, Jamaica and too many other places to count, places where I would have never thought an issue so vain would cause so many people so much distress.
The more I thought about it the more I realized how strategic this set up is. Honestly, if you are black or darker brown in skin tone, you are automatically viewed as less attractive than those who have lighter aka whiter skin. This dynamic is a setup, period. It’s strategic, it’s insulting and above all else, it’s heart breaking. When the man who is your mirror image seemingly wants nothing to do with you due to a misogynistic mistake that has been made exclusively at the expense of black women? That my friend(s) is a mental stipulation, a severe condition if you will. There’s no other way around it.
Hip hop culture has too played a huge role in the idea that black women are not as beautiful as other women. In most of the music videos you’ll see women half naked for sure but what you won’t see most of the time is black women. You just won’t. You might get the occasional half breed, you know the woman with just enough fullness in her lips and nose that you would assume that she was black somewhere down the line. But with the overly population of Kylie Jenner’s lip enhancement products, you won’t ever know.
I always felt that men Black men should look for solace in the arms of their women, black women to be exact. Men of color have been the target of hatred for far too long. And when they purposely date non-black women it is a slap in the face to all people of color. Black women adore black men but sadly black men have not been the best supporters of black women. They single black women out on their natural born looks and create detrimental damage. They have not been the best supporters of the natural hair movement; furthermore they glorify non-black women every day for being true to themselves. What kind of bull sh*t is that?
In my experience I’ve witnessed black men favor long straight hair, 22’’ or better and straight weaves worn by women who aren’t black, because to them, those girls don’t need weaves (LIES) so automatically, they’re more appealing. Bottom line, how blissfully unaware are you? It’s unfathomable how an entire culture of blacks in America can be treated and most of the mistreatment comes from other black people.
Who I am most fearful for are the children. What are the parents of our black and brown children teaching our young black boys? Do we not realize that we are role models no matter what we think? No matter how you carry yourself there is always someone watching you, more specifically the children in your life. If you exclusively date outside of your race due to vain decisions like hair or skin complexion what does that say about you?
Black women are the most educated group within race and gender. We deserve to be respected and cared for, not pushed to the bottom of the list due to the pigment in our skin. It’s a shame the sheer ignorance of so many people throughout the world. I’m tired of us getting looked over. I’m tired of people coming out the clear blue sky claiming to be black only when it suits them because there great-great grandparent was a victim of rape like some many of our people were. If you are a black male who dates non-black solely because they are not black then you have deep rooted issue and need to do some major research ASAP.
What I have come to realize within recent months is that if men of color deliberately over look me, it’s not my problem. I had an epiphany and I found that the issues that others have is not your problem. You may feel as though it is something that you are doing wrong or maybe if you became more accustomed to the average ideas of beauty or the standards that involve beauty and/or dating that you too will be able to fit in. Nope! That is not the answer. You have to love you for you with no stipulations.
“Black women adore black men but sadly black men often do not return the support” Um, Black women do NOT “adore” black men. Speak for yourself. Adore??Adore…really? ….Adore…. LOL! No, speak for yourself. The IR marriage rates for black women have increase an entire 3% in just a couple of years. And that was discovered back in ’12 I believe. IR marriages for Black Women are about to explode. Once a larger chunk of black women leave, they are taking their wallets with them, among other things. Black men are the least intelligent of all men on the planet. That’s… Read more »
People should be able to date whoever they want to date. Why do you limit yourself to only dating black men? Or wanting to date black men? There are billions of people in this world! We sometimes limit ourselves in finding a good man, because we focus on dating men who are of our same culture and/or race. I date with an open mind and if a Black man, Asian man, White man, or Latino man wants to take out on a date ….I’m open. I’m open to new experiences, new cultures, ideas, and finding a man who is going… Read more »
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