By: Joshua T.
Before we get started please scroll down and look at the tweets below. They are examples of the types of tweets that I would have posted in the past.(These are not my actual tweets)
If you’re reading this then the title probably drew you in. I am currently a 20 year old black man who did in fact live the first 19 years of his life as a self-hating, white woman (and other non-black women) obsessed black man who used to bash black women in real life and on social media. I am no longer this way and in the last few months I have undergone a great change. I would like to share my story for two reasons the first is because it rarely done and second is to answer questions like the ones that I usually see on social media. Tweet Pic
Before telling my story let me put a few things out there. My experience is my own but in having discussions with many other black men who have gone through similar experiences and finally woken up, I can say that many parts of my story mirrors theirs and in a way some parts of my story are representative of the stories of many black men who have been through this. Also, this article is in no way an attack on interracial dating or black people who prefer partners of other races. I am simply telling my story. Now that we have all of that out of the way let’s begin.
What exactly is a self-hating black man? A self-hating black man can be a lot of different things but for me it was a man who was not fully comfortable in his blackness and as result directed his feelings into other things in order to compensate. For me to reach the point that I am at now where I am able to label my former self as a self-hater has not been easy but through thinking back on my former thought process and actions It’s a conclusion that I found I cannot escape.
To give a little background on my life, I grew up in a two parent middle class household in the south. The city that I grew up in was, and still is consistently ranked as one of the most racially diverse cities in the United States. As a result of this I had a very diverse group of friends but when it came down to it my closest friends were all black males like me.
The backgrounds of my friends were were as diverse as the city I grew up I. Some were from the “hood”, while others were from the best neighborhoods in town. Despite our socioeconomic differences we all had one thing in common. We were all interested in white girls. This interest developed as soon as we began being interested in girls, which occurred sometime around second grade. From this time onward liking white girls was always the “cool” thing to do so everyone went along with it.
My friends and I were friends with black girls in our classes but we rarely had crushes on them. Looking back on it now, it was probably because we viewed them as being too similar to us and what we knew. They reminded us of our cousins, sisters and other female family members while white girls (and other non-black girls) on the other hand, were so different from us in so many ways. I personally believe that this is one of the main factors as to why many black men are so interested in women of other races.
The trend of liking white girls that began in elementary school continued throughout my school years. As I entered middle school and then high school it was impossible to escape the appeal of having a white or non-black girlfriend. Among my black friends, you were seen as almighty and powerful if you could get a white girl and if you found out that one liked you or had any interest in you; you were seen as a god.
The mindset of my friends and I at the time could be summed up as something along the lines of “if she ain’t white, she’s at least gotta be light”. Black women were barley on our radar and we treated them as such. At the time, I would sit back, laugh, and even join in as my friends would make fun of the black girls in our classes for things like their, hair, skin tone, or the way they talked. For me and my friends, white girls came first followed by Latina, Asians, and mixed girls, in no particular order. While me and some of my friends did date and like some black girls we still greatly respected guys who were able to get with women on different races.
To me most black women represented everything that I didn’t want in a woman. I felt that most were too loud, too argumentative, had too much attitude, and were too much to handle. I believed these things despite being raised by and around black women who represented absolutely none of these things. I simply saw my mother and other female family members as exceptions to my generalization so they didn’t count.
In contrast to black women, white women and women of other races represented everything that black women weren’t. They were beautiful, agreeable, adventurous, easy to handle, and most importantly possessed the genetic code that I wanted for my future children. When I thought of my future I would often picture a big house, nice cars and a white wife along with 2 mixed children that had “good hair”. I felt that if I could achieve this I would have it all. This is the part of my journey where I am able to look back on and pinpoint clear self-hate.
The tweet below is representative of my former thinking.
My interest in women of other races may have started as something I developed because “it was cool” but it soon turned into something else. By wanting mixed children with “good hair” I was in a way putting down my own black features. I had thick nappy hair and dark skin. My features where in direct contrast to the features I wanted my future children to have which looking back on it now I see as a big problem. I never thought that I had problems with my skin tone or hair texture but my thought process confirmed that I did in fact have some issues which I have since overcome.
I continued to put white and other non-black women above black women until I entered college. It was during this time that everything changed. I currently attend one of the largest pwi’s (predominately white institutions) in the south. To a certain extent the school is socially segregated. From day one it was very clear that the white kids hung out with each other while the few black students at the school hung out with each other. This was no problem to me since all my friends growing up had always been black. The only issue I had was that I no longer had easy access to the non-black women that I desired. I was forced into a tight knit black community and forced to adapt and “deal” with black women and all the negative attributes that I felt that they possessed.
In finally “dealing” with black women and spending lots of time with them I realized that all the generalizations I had about them were completely untrue. The women that I spent a lot of time around were intelligent, beautiful, kind, inspiring, supportive, black women who finally helped bring me to the light. The thing that intrigued me most about them was despite being aware that they were undesired by many of their own men they still did everything they could to do uplift, support, and advocate for us.
My awakening occurred around the time when the Mike Brown shooting and other police shootings of unarmed black men occurred. As these events unfolded all the negative feelings and disinterest I had in black women immediately disappeared as I saw them scramble to organize demonstrations and rallies on behalf of black men being killed by the police. This was awe inspiring and life changing for me.In my experiences with dealing with women from other races I never saw any other group of women who were so for their men as black women are for black men.
In realizing this, I realized that I share the same blood line with such passionate, ambitious, and devoted women. To come to the realization that as a black man I am directly associated with such greatness that is the black women completely changed me. My interest in women of other races quickly went away after coming to this realization. I now find it embarrassing to even think back on the things I tweeted or said about black women that I once thought were so funny.
If you want to know why some black men post derogatory things about black women online ill tell you. The answer is quite simple. Black men who put down black women do it simply because they are not comfortable in themselves and in their blackness. Any black man who takes pride in being black would never disrespect a black woman because he knows that she is a part of him and knows that by disrespecting her he is disrespecting himself as well. Because it is not often brought to light, many people fail to realize that many back men and more specifically many dark skinned black men have difficulties with accepting their blackness so they deal with it by bashing black women while uplifting women with features they prefer.
This combined with media influences that promote Eurocentric beauty standards often cause us black men to be influenced and indoctrinated with the message that white beauty is true beauty. It’s unfortunate that it took police brutality for me to finally come to see just how amazing black women were but it was an important wake up call for me
In closing, for any men who read this and are guilty putting down black women please take a second to think about your actions and how they might affect others. For all the women who read this please realize that the men who post things like I used to post, are lost and not comfortable in themselves so for that I apologize on behalf of them until they wake up and are able to apologize on their own.