Love and Relationships

Dating a Black Man Does Not Mean He Will Defend my Blackness

By:Desiree Johnson

As a biracial woman, I have always been able to keep an open mind and level head when choosing my partners in relationships. While I have my standards and deal breakers like any other person, I have always been adamant that race will never be a factor in that.

The majority of my dating life up until most recently was varied, but I had not yet been in a serious relationship with a black man. There was never a specific reason for that because I did casually date black men in college, but in terms of commitment it never seemed to work out the way I anticipated. It wasn’t until I entered into this past relationship that I was able to learn and recognize more about my black culture because of the dynamic I found myself in with my partner.

Defending my blackness as a mixed race person has been an ongoing endeavor for the majority of life. Whether that is in my speech, language, skin tone, or hair type, it’s an ongoing conversation had within both the Black community and minorities. It was never anything I thought I would have to defend within a relationship.

My mixed identity is always a conversation I have with my partner, but it’s never been to a point where I feel or they let me feel invalidated because I’m half Black and half Mexican. Upon a chance encounter with a stranger in Chicago, my partner allowed him to indirectly speak about me to my face and disrespect me.

The stranger was discussing politics and the struggle of the black community in Chicago and was seeking to invoke passion within my partner when he looked at me engaged in my phone and said “She’s not paying attention because she does not care about our struggle, she knows nothing of the black man’s struggle.”

I remember looking at my partner who was silent and feeling angry that he let a complete stranger disrespect me in such a non-chalant manner. It was at that moment I realized the man thought I was disinterested in the topic of conversation because he assumed I was not Black. This wasn’t a concept lost on me since to the common eye I am racially ambiguous.

It’s very rare if a person chooses to ask what my ethnic background is that they will get it right, but I never have had a person dismiss any specific culture altogether. I responded to him “I am black, I understand the struggle,” to which he replied “No you aren’t fully black, you don’t.” I looked at my partner who could see the red fury rising in my face and decided now was the time to break conversation and leave the stranger.

We walked away and I shouted several absurdities at my partner for: one engaging the stranger knowing we had a lunch reservation to attend, two for letting him disrespect me. He quickly attempted to laugh off the situation and wanted me to move past it, but I carried it with me all day.

It was in the months that followed and even after the demise of our relationship in my reflections I realized I could be mad at the stranger for invalidating my blackness off of whatever his predisposed assumptions are that I don’t know the black struggle, but being with a black man as biracial woman does not mean he will defend my blackness or has to.

My blackness is my own to identify, protect, defend and as a woman and biracial individual I cannot expect my partner to advocate for my identity. It’s not his job to do so, but in the same token, he should never allow any individual to be disrespectful towards me regardless of the topic.

The man took an easy shot at me because he thought I was not interested in what he was saying, and if anything, after our first exchange I should have walked away without allowing him to get under my skin. I shouldn’t have given him the satisfaction of knowing he upset me or that I felt so moved to argue with him about my own cultural identity.

It changed the way I saw our relationship because I realized not only attributes about him that were distasteful to me in a partner, but made me question how he saw me as a black woman. I’ve always worked to embody both sides of my cultures to the fullest extent, but in allowing a stranger to strip me of that in that moment, I realized he may not perceive my black culture to equate to his own. I may not be 100% black, but that does not mean I don’t identify or haven’t experienced the societal or personal injustices had.

Being bi-racial allows for people to see my identity through their own lens and at times judge my culture on how they see fit. It can be the most frustrating aspect of being biracial because that is something I don’t have control over. I cannot change one person looks at me and sees a Hispanic while another sees Black or some don’t see either and try to impress an alternate heritage on me. Perception can be fickle. I can only control how I choose to represent both sides and educate people on why fellow minorities should never demean or dismiss me because I’m only half of each.

Leave a Reply

33 Comments on "Dating a Black Man Does Not Mean He Will Defend my Blackness"

Leave a Comment

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
1 year 5 months ago

I’m really sorry you went though that. My psyche hurts from the sheer yet common incompetent absurdity that is of 98% American black males brains. You deserve better baby girl. ALL awesome black beautiful women with amazing personalities do, be they 100% black or mixed race. Glad you dumped that fuck boy and kicked the sorry son of a bitch to the curb. I’d sure as shit give him a box of manpons* for his mangina because he’s a straight up pussy. *Tampons for dudes to absorb some of that bitch out their systems. It’s fucked up that he had… Read more »

2 months 2 days ago

louis vuitton outlet online

This is a remarkable post by the way. I am going to go ahead and bookmark this article for my sis to check out later on tomorrow. Keep up the excellent work.

2 months 2 days ago

cheap merrell sale

If you could email me with a few hints on just how you made your website look this great, I would be thankful.

2 months 1 day ago

jimmy choo sunglasses sale

Thank you very much for the post, I actually learned a lot from it. Incredibly quality content on this site. Always looking forward to new article.

1 month 30 days ago

reebok shoe outlet

Keep it up, great job! Just what I had to have.

1 month 30 days ago

nfl jerseys online

I’m experiencing a new short difficulty When i cant appear to be competent to join the feed, I’m using search engines readers.

1 month 28 days ago

bloomingdales mcm backpack

spatz ruric contour hebb truthdare zevon starchaser expectations peisley d8cd98f0

1 month 26 days ago

gucci bags outlet

If you are like a lot of people you can simply overlook this. Dont give up your morals for anything. Generally this will lead to a mistaken and unproductive life.

1 month 24 days ago

discount fjallraven jackets

I am going to start a blog on the same theme soon, for this reason Im so serious about your article. Would you mind if I used a few of your thoughts for my weblog? Ill obviously point out you as the original source and set up a link pointing back to yo…

1 month 24 days ago

vivienne westwood usa online

Keep this in mind: There is nothing really true with what I am saying.

1 month 12 days ago

cheap parajumpers jackets

This is some good material. It took me a while to find this site but it was worth the time. I noticed this page was buried in bing and not the number one spot. This website has a lot of first-rate material and it doesnt deserve to be burried in the sea…

1 month 12 days ago

stuart weitzman womens shoes

I was searching on the net for some info since yesterday night and I ultimately found what i was looking for! This is a great website by the way, although it is a little difficult to read on my att phone.

1 month 10 days ago

buy keen online

To the point and written well, thanks much for the info

1 month 7 days ago

factory gucci outlet

Dude, great article. Can you give me your email address. There is something I would like to ask you. Thanks lissa Warfield

1 month 7 days ago

ecco shoe outlet

Really diggin what you have been posting here lately. Id love to see you continue with much more of this. Bookmarked!

1 month 4 days ago

buy hunter boots

This web site is really a stroll-through for all the info you wanted about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse here, and also you’ll positively discover it.


buy cheap oakley sunglasses online

important How much time do you spend updating this blog every day? Wow is all I can say. Thanks again.

25 days 17 hours ago

discount jimmy choo

Im usually looking for excellent info on this topic. It can be difficult to locate sometimes. Thanks!. I will check back on your website from time to time to see what else you have to supply.


michael kors outlet store online

You made some good points there. I looked on the internet for the issue and found most individuals will go along with with your blog.

22 days 8 hours ago

mcm bags for men

There is evidently a lot to identify about this. I consider you made some good points in features also.

22 days 7 hours ago

coach store locator

Im curious if you ever have problems with what people post? The internet never used to be like that, except that recently it seems to have become better. What do you think?

18 days 21 hours ago

coach factory store

My buddy and I had been just talking about this particular issue, she is continually wanting to prove me completely wrong! I am going to present her this blog post not to mention rub it in a little!

18 days 20 hours ago

alexander mcqueen outlet store

Thank you for the fascinating check out, its not a subject I usually give much attention too but this caught my attention.

15 days 9 hours ago

barbour online store

I have read a few good stuff hereDefinitely price bookmarking for revisitingI wonder how much attempt you set to create this kind of great informative website.

15 days 7 hours ago

nfl online store

there are not a lot good supply like this.

12 days 1 hour ago

vibram fivefingers sale

Just browsing your blog, how long have you had it? I love the design.

11 days 22 hours ago

ecco golf outlet

hmm.. Very thorough post. I have found myself directed here before from aol search and undoubtedly will find myself here again. I just thought I’d take a minute out of my day to express. As a website owner myself I know that is is nice to get some fee…

10 days 21 hours ago

jimmy choo store online

This is a remarkable post by the way. I am going to go ahead and bookmark this post for my sis to check out later on tomorrow. Keep up the good quality work.

10 days 19 hours ago

michael kors outlet locations

8 days 22 hours ago

pierre hardy men

First of all, allow my family appreciate a persons command during this matter. Even though this is certainly brand new , nevertheless soon after registering your site, this intellect has exploded extensively. Allow all of us to take hold of ones rss to…

7 days 16 hours ago

birkenstock for sale

How is it that just anyone can write a weblog and get as popular as this? Its not like youve said anything incredibly impressive more like youve painted a quite picture above an issue that you know nothing about! I dont want to sound mean, here. But do…

5 days 17 hours ago

canada goose canada outlet

WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait .. 😉

2 days 4 hours ago

fitflop sale

Resources such as the 1 you mentioned here will be extremely useful to myself! I will publish a hyperlink to this web page on my personal blog. I am certain my site website visitors will locate that fairly effective.