By: Sydney Cole
I am a woman.
I am a beautiful, young black woman.
As I look upon my melanin-rich skin, I see scars, put onto me, by jerks who didn’t give an *expletive*
I break down in tears.
Now, looking up to the sun, I feel the sun wiping the tears away.
Washing off all impurities & bestowing mercy & love on me.
I feel liberated, like the Phoenix, I rise above all obstacles.
I can now confidently say, I LOVE ME!!!!
Well, that’s me now. This wasn’t me back then at all. I always wonder why we are so forgiving & take on such a heavy burden in relationships & we don’t have to at all. We are so much more than that. Our resilience & strength comes from more than the unnecessary burdens, us black women, take on daily in love, or what we think IS love. I even ask myself why I held onto all this hurt for so long.
What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t at least seek therapy? Why are we so afraid to admit when we are vulnerable & embrace that? I recently sat in my front room, with the lights off, crying & self-reflecting on all of the emotional scars I have, from my past relationships. I decided then & there to free myself from the hurt & it was as overwhelming as I thought it would be for me.
I usually bottle things up. I was taught vulnerability was a weakness. I don’t know if all black women were taught this. I am not going to stereotype that, either. I know that, for me, I was taught wipe away my tears & keep pushing. NO one ever said, “Cry, it’s ok. Let out all of the negativity, then wipe those tears & smile”. I was taught be as tough as an ox. I let my guard down, recently, & it is quite liberating.
I tapped into the root of why I was this broken & it led me to reminisce about what went on, in my childhood & me not having such a prominent male figure around. I didn’t realize how that impacted my attitude, self-esteem & my decisions as a teen. I had all this anger bottled up. I was search for validation of love & security & didn’t care how I got it. I only wanted a taste of it.
I was fine with the fantasy of a guy actually caring for me, protecting me, telling me I’m pretty & giving me the confidence I should’ve had in myself. This was an “Aha” moment, for me. I never wanted to admit any of this. I had so much pride. But, I want to now take pride in owning my faults & insecurities, & changing them for the better.
That’s what I want for women everywhere, especially black women. We should take time out to reflect on things about ourselves & see what needs healing & what we can embrace & love about us. We need to quit looking for men to uplift us, & uplift ourselves. We are so strong.
It won’t be easy, Queens, self-reflecting on yourself & your past. If you’re like me, you probably tried sweeping it under the rug. But, it will come back & bite you. You need to let go & love you for the beautiful goddess that you are. Take some time out for yourself & do not rush into the next relationship. It may be challenging for some, as I know it was for me, personally. But, you need that alone time, to get to know yourself again & love the great woman you are inside. You are deserving of love & more from a great man.
I want you all to remember: there is strength in letting go & even crying while doing so. We are made by this intricate universe, WHOLE, not BROKEN. Do not let anyone break you, anymore. We need to pick up the pieces & fix ourselves. Go on this transformative journey to self-love & growth, with an open mind & heart.
Written By: Sydney Cole ( contributing writer for UrbanScope X – urban blog , Fresh Take)