Love and Relationships

He’s Your Man Not Your Father

By: AkinWrites

As much as some women fight the fact that that they enjoy the company of a man, the fact still remains. We love, and at times even love men. We love the way they make us feel, we love the attention they give us, we love the small arguments we have with them, and we love to make up with them. Although a man should never make you feel complete, a man should help enhance the love you already have for yourself.

Don’t believe me, think about it, when was the last time you met up with your group of girlfriends to just catch up, and relax? When was the last time you were able to do this without the topic of men coming up? When was the last time you were able to go to a family gathering without someone asking about your love life?

This is a rarity. As much as us black women love to complain and bash men to each other, in the same breath we will protect them and fight for them with everything in us. When it comes down to it, we love our black men. Sometimes I think we love them maybe a little too much, in the sense that we at times put our love for them in front of our love for ourselves.

We love them to the point that we hold them to these standards that almost 100% guarantees they will fail or come short in one department or another. I am not sure if the picture of what a man is supposed to be like comes from our own personal experiences, what we have been mentally subjected into believing from endless romantic movies or our ageing grandparents reminiscing about their love stories.

Women often complain about all the things men do and don’t do. We talk so much crap about what we would like our current or potential spouses to own, obtain or provide. We set these high standards and expectations. We demand, demand, and demand, but what are we offering?  What are we bringing to the table?

If I’ve learned one thing during my years in the dating pool is, do not demand what you are not willing or capable to provide. Even if it is not an exact trade off, it is important to be not unrealistic or too demanding when seeking genuine love from our black men.

Should we truly be able to ask men to provide financial stability, if we cannot do that on our own?  How can you try to belittle a man who is not making six figures or driving a nice car if you aren’t either? How can we ask to be taken care off if we are not in the position to take care of ourselves?

If my brothers and male friends taught me anything it was, men watch. Men watch how you carry yourself and how you move. A man knows the type of woman to approach and how. If a man sees you doing good by yourself, at the minimum he knows that he needs to be able to at least match. Be willing to do for yourself, not only to be independent but also to attract the type of man that knows your worth and knows that you may want him, but you do not need him.

As I sit back and watch how some of us women behave, I often wonder where did this entitlement come from? Where is it written that a man must give while you sit back with your feet up and take? All healthy relationships have some sort of balance. Even if you are not able to financially meet a man half way, you are able to be that emotional support and foundation that bring peace into his life. You are able to offer SOMETHING.

No one wants to deal with a person who is constantly taking and not giving anything of value in return. That is not how it works. That is not how life works and it is definitely not how a healthy relationship works.

Now let me take it back a notch. Where do these roles come from? After scrutinizing my own personal experience and speaking to other women, it seems that there was a common factor involved………Our fathers.

A lot of women were brought up being a “daddy’s girl”, we would go to our fathers to provide everything from a dollar for the ice cream truck, to a shoulder to lean on when things were not going our way. Unfortunately, we carry this relationship into our adult lives. We go seeking men that remind us of our fathers, good and bad. We start expecting those we deal with to treat us the same way, or better than our fathers did.

Now coming from a true daddy’s girl, I see nothing wrong with this. My father was/is my hero. Anyone I would consider having a serious relationship with must have some of the same loving qualities my father did. Now the question is where is the line drawn? When do we start to realize that the men and women (for those women in a homosexual relationship) that we have interest in are not our fathers. They are not obligated to do what our fathers did for us. Yes, it would be great if they did, but can we put them at fault if they never measure up?

Will they always be in competition with someone they will never beat? Yes. Our fathers and father figures will always hold a special place in our hearts, but so should your spouse. You should never have them in a competition against each other. Why? Well because in most cases your spouse will begin to resent the relationship you have with your father/father figure because he will never be able to adequately meet the high standards you have.

Also, if your spouse continues to feel inadequate, they will stray or just leave. Once they leave you will now be single and unhappy because you let a good man/woman go just because he did not fill your father’s shoes.

We are not saying, do not hold your significant other to a high standard, but be reasonable. It is only rational if you hold yourself to that same standard. Would it be fair if he expected you to wait on him hand and foot like his mother does? How many of you would pass that test if your significant other tried to hold you in the same light as his mother?

The child/parent dynamic is completely different that the bf/gf or husband/wife dynamic. Both are important, but both should be treated and respected differently. That unconditional love that our parents have for us as soon as they laid eyes on us has to be developed between spouses. As humans, we are naturally flawed, but when we put our black men into an unfair competition with our fathers n one losses more than we do.

The point is don’t expect another person to do anything that you are not willing to do for yourself. It is that simple. Nothing less nothing more. It’s an easy concept, but many fail to grasp it.


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3 Comments on "He’s Your Man Not Your Father"

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5 years 3 months ago

Yes! Yes! Yes! You hit the nail on the head. Too many of us “want” what daddy has provided for us when we get older as women from men. What happens when that man walks away…we as women still have to carry on. Very nice blog.

5 years 2 months ago

“As much as us black women love to complain and bash men to each other, in the same breath we will protect them and fight for them with everything in us. When it comes down to it, we love our black men. Sometimes I think we love them maybe a little too much, in the sense that we at times put our love for them in front of our love for ourselves.” This is very unhealthy. In other groups around the world throughout history, it’s the man who protects and fights for the women. In Black America, the roles and… Read more »

4 years 11 months ago

I love this blog post. As women we can not set high expectations for men and then have nothing to offer. I find that often we demand men have a good job, nice home, car, and income…at the same time we need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what have I accomplished and what can I offer in this relationship.