By: Cynthia Walker
Love is a simple word that carries a great deal of weight. It can either bring much happiness or misery. As a teenager I once heard a relative say that having a man to love was all that mattered. Those words led me to believe that finding love would be easy. However when I became an adult I found myself drifting from one meaningless relationship to another.
I mainly dated men who didn’t have much time and energy to invest in me except when it came to sex and foolishly I made myself available to them over and over again and every man I let into my life proved to be a disappointment. Years later I realized that I was tired, damaged and angry.
As African-American women I find that early on we are taught to rush into relationships instead of waiting patiently for what we deserve. We are encouraged to invest our time and energy into relationships that do not reciprocate our efforts. Often times a woman is quick to become involved with a man without considering his character or spiritual condition.
I feel it’s safe to say that we have been trained to fear being alone. Being alone is not the curse many of us believe it is, nor should any woman define her worth based on whether a man is present in her life or not. For many years I thought I owed every man something. I learned the hard way that my body is sacred and not to be shared with everyone. Sadly we give ourselves away constantly in the hope that love will smile upon us. As a result we may find ourselves dealing with the bondage of soul ties.
A soul tie is a spiritual connection between two people that have shared sexual intimacy. Each person that you are intimate with is allowed access to your spirit. When a soul tie is formed it means that you have become one with your partner. Your emotions and thoughts are tied together. Often times this is mistaken for love when it is nothing more than lust.
1st Corinthians 6:18 states, “He who fornicates sins against himself.” Fornication releases a flood of emotions that can become spiritual blockages. They come in the form of anger, bitterness and unhealthy behaviors. They hinder our blessings and prevent us from giving God our best. Soul ties can last for several years and can be extremely difficult to break. Usually someone does not want to let go. That was once me.
Whenever a man decided to end a relationship with me I found myself holding on to that person emotionally. I did not want to accept the fact that a man could want me sexually but not spiritually. Soul ties can also cause mental agony. Constantly I questioned myself or wondered what it was I did wrong that made someone not want me. I even tried to figure out ways to mend what was hopeless from the beginning. I simply did not have the strength to let go.
Soul ties command entrance into your spirit. Whenever a woman becomes intimate with a man she gives away the most important part of herself – her spirit! I did not realize at the time that reclaiming my spirit was a matter of forgiveness and letting go of all the anger, shame and guilt. There’s no joy in carrying all that poison around inside you. I was so engrossed trying to keep my lovers happy that I started to neglect my relationship with God.
I remember wasting valuable time wondering when the next phone call would come or trying to figure out if they were seeing other women. Sadly each relationship was based upon sex and petty arguments. There was one lover in particular that I would argue with constantly, and would stay upset with him for weeks and weeks at a time. If he did not give me the attention I craved or answer questions pertaining to certain women I’d see him with that would set me off. I was too blind to realize that I was wasting precious time trying to force him to want me when it was clear that I was nothing more than a booty call!
More importantly I failed to realize that I’d left my first love. I was so anxious to have someone in my life that I totally ignored the will of God. I fell right into the enemy’s trap of fornication and adultery! Sexual soul ties will make you ignore the will of God by disguising lust for love.
I find that it is easier for women to become victims of soul ties than it is for men. The reason being that we women have a tendency to base love on our emotions rather than on facts, like men do. Many times we fall in love without realizing what it is we’re falling into. When a woman is led by her emotions this makes it easy for her to be taken advantage of. She may be sexually compatible with a man who has no idea how to care for her heart.
If these issues are not addressed then they become behaviors that our children follow, which can create an unhealthy reality for them. Little girls become women who do not love themselves and a great portion of their lives is spent seeking love from men who are only interested in sexual gratification, and they grow up under the impression that finding love is a matter of being with every man that comes along.
Suddenly the reality of wasted time sets in and they come to the reality that they have been impatient with love. Little boys are also affected and become men with a warped understanding of what love really is. Having multiple women tends to become a lifestyle and they equate their manhood to the number of women they can have.
Hosea 4:6 plainly says my people perish for a lack of knowledge. It’s time to stop perishing! It took many years for me to heal and find myself. It wasn’t easy. The enemy tried to keep me in bondage. However I wanted to be free. I wanted to live a better life. One that did not include running from man to man.
I’ve been single for over ten years now, and it’s been the greatest time of my life! I’ve had time to fortify my relationship with God and repent from my sins. I know what I want now and know that it’s worth waiting for. If we expect things to change we must free ourselves from destructive beliefs and behaviors. Be patient and prepare yourselves. Love will finally come.