We All Need a Squad

By:Ashton Toone

People often say, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” But what if I consider my friends to be my family? I can’t help but believe that statement still applies, because it isn’t by accident that I’m surrounded by incredible black women that I can look up to, be inspired by, and learn from.

There’s this myth that black women can do everything and be everything, all the time. And while this it’s flattering – and it would be really nice if I could cook a well-balanced meal, complete everything on my to-do list, and still have time to read a book everyday – it’s simply not true. I don’t even think I would be able to get dressed in the morning without help.

From the time we’re little, we thrown into competition – who has the prettiest bow, the coolest toy, the most soccer ribbons, or even whose mom shows up with cupcakes most often – our prizes merely being a few extra friends on the playground. We’re subconsciously already in a race, and we are taught that we have to win. As we get older, we start to realize that we’re stuck in this rat race being judged on the same things as when we were younger, but our prizes have changed a little from a few extra friends on the playground to a few extra followers and likes on Instagram and Twitter.

Obviously this competition is even more vicious with girls because we have millions of things to be judged on alone. But even more saddening is that as black girls we’re competing even more among other black girls when we should be helping each other get to the finish line. I think that we even though we are taught to compete, we forget that the greatest competitors learn from their opponents.

A few months ago, Viola Davis won an Emmy for Best Actress in a Drama, making her the first African-American in history to do so, and she gave a phenomenal speech about giving actors and actresses of color access in Hollywood. The part that stood out to me the most was not really the speech or the win, but the huge hug that Taraji P. Henson gave her before she went up to accept her award.

In the same night, Taraji presented Regina King with Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie. Once she announced Regina King’s name, Taraji cheered the loudest and the longest for her and again gave out what looked like the warmest hug when she came on stage.

Throughout the night I watched black women rejoice in each other’s accomplishments and offer solidarity with each other in a room full of people that they were competing against. So what am I saying? That we all need to be friends with Taraji P. Henson? Maybe. But mostly that this love and support among black women is the best example of what we should have in our own lives. We all need a squad.

It wasn’t until recently that I thought about how thankful I am to be surrounded by black girls that help me. My friends are incredible. Not only are they continuously breaking molds, they are creating new opportunities for themselves and other black girls, they are learning about the world and sharing it with others. They understand what it’s like to be a black girl. They understand me. They support me in my growth no matter how ugly the process is. They celebrate my successes and cheer the loudest for me. They show me the bright side of my failures. They let me know that I’m not alone.

It’s admirable to see their strength and courage to take on anything that they want in this world, but it’s even more incredible for them to encourage me to do the same thing. The superwoman complex placed on black girls is so hard to shake. It’s almost like running a 5K on a giant hamster wheel that never lets you reach the finish line. Having strong black girls around you that are willing to step in and help you out of your hamster wheel is such a relief.

Nothing compares to your girl friend having an extra scarf to wrap your hair with when you need a place to stay. There’s no better feeling when you know that your BFF carries coconut oil in her purse because you’ll both need it. It’s always fun to talk religion and politics with your road dogs that will challenge and expand your own views. But most importantly, it’s comforting to be on the same page with your girl if it’s raining and you guys decide not to chance messing up your new hair.

There is no doubt that your friends can shape many areas of your life, and it is important to surround yourself with those that are going to, in the words of DJ Khaled, “follow you on the journey to more success.”

Black girls are magic – especially the black girls that become your friends.