Why I Hated Being African While Growing Up

By: Annette Bizimana

Growing up, the first few years of my life were rough for me and my family. My family fled Rwanda during the Rwandan genocide and moved to to Uganda, where I was born. After living there for some time we later moved to Kenya. While  there, my family and I lived in dangerous areas where we never felt safe, so when I was seven, my father decided it would be best for us to move to America for a better life.

My parents spoke very highly of America and the great opportunities that moving there would afford us, but what they did not warn me about were the hardships and self-hate I would experience as a young African girl in America.

Elementary and middle school were my most difficult years. Initially I was picked on because of my first name, which is  Mbabazi(mba-ba-zee). Yes, imagine going through school with that name. It was very confusing for people because my name was actually Annette and my middle name was Mbabazi, but when my parents immigrated to America they decided to put Mbabazi as my first name. I really don’t get it either, I’m still confused until this day. But that name to me was what started the self hate.

As you can imagine, many teachers and students could not pronounce my name right and when they would begin to pronounce it I would politely tell them to call me Annette, which many did, except for this one boy! He made it his job to point out that my name was African and very different, and would correct the teacher or other students when they called me Annette. I hated going to school because of him, but most of all I hated being African! I made myself believe that if my name was not so African that i would be treated a little better and I made it my job to have my name changed, which took time but eventually did happened.

In addition to the boy that caused me so much misery in school, there was also a girl who also had it for me in school. We were actually ‘friends’ but she hated everything I did and said. I recall a time in class, when we were discussing people originating from Africa. As always, at that time I was the only African in all of my classes so it wasn’t abnormal for people to look towards me when we spoke on that subject.

When this happened I usually hid away from those discussions  but unfortunately for me I was in the front row this time and my supposed friend was seated next to me. My teacher brought up a picture of some African kids who were looking very dirty with warn out clothes and bad teeth. That “friend” of mine looked right at me and burst out in laughter.

This brought unwanted attention to me. The teacher then looked over at me and began questioning me about Africa and being African in front of the whole class, I was so embarrassed and angry that I denied being African in front of everyone and even slandered  Africans as a whole to try and prove my point.

To add on to my humiliation in school, there was a particular boy who made the first two years of high school hell for me just because I was African. Unfortunately, I happened to be attracted to him and every time he talked about me he would refer to me as “that African girl”. Apparently I was nothing else to him but that.

I will never forget the last time I saw him. He and his friend were ditching class and were walking in the hallway as I was walking towards the bathroom. I looked up at him for a second not saying anything and then proceeded to walk into the bathroom. All of a sudden I heard him say very loudly to his friend in a disgusted voice, “An African just went into the bathroom.”

When I entered the bathroom there were other people in there so I couldn’t burst out into tears like I wanted to so I just let the tears flow slowly down my face. I didn’t understand how someone could be so evil. Never had I forced him to like me back or even had a conversation with him. After hearing jokes and comments like these directed at me, I began to think I would never find someone who liked me, because i was African. I thought being an African girl made me unlovable.

Equally as important, the teachers also made me feel just as unwanted as the students did. The middle school I went to decided that since I was born in another country I belonged in an ELL (English language learners)class. Despite going through all of elementary with good grades,  they decide that because I was African I needed that class. I spoke English very well but yet I sat in that class for two years. I was furious!

That separation made me feel so much worse about myself and where I came from and I soon began hiding my schedule from my friends so they wouldn’t see that I was stuck in the ELL class. I would  even wait about 15 minutes after the bell rang to come out of the class so no one would spot and question me. It was honestly all in my head but I believed being African was the worst thing to ever happen to me.

Additionally, as many children are , I was embarrassed of my parents. But in my case I was so embarrassed that I hid them from everyone. My teachers would encouraged me to bring my parents to school events,  but each time, I would lie  about them being busy in order to protect myself.

I did not want the students, especially the ones that made fun of me, to have another reason to pick on me. Due to my parents being born and raised in African countries they did not pick up the English language as quickly as I did and I felt embarrassed everytime they opened their mouths because of their strong accents. Their accents were  so thick that you could barely understand them and they did not care about speaking to me in our native language in front of anyone, and I hated them for that! I would always find  ways to prevent having them speak to me in public, just in case they decided to speak in a different language.

On a better note, after all the self hate I grew up with, things started to change when I went to high school. I began to accept who I was and where I came from. I also stopped avoiding other Africans and started embracing them.  I  realized that to be successful in life I must stay true to who I am and that being different is not bad. It took me years to learn but I eventually learned that you should never hide who you are and where you come from, under any circumstances.

To all the young girls out there who are immigrants from African countries here is my advice to you; always stay true to who you are! I know that may be an obvious statement or may seem like an easy thing to do but trust me, I have been there, been confronted about who I am and where I came from and straight up lied to save myself from getting laughed at.

One major problem I have experienced and seen from ashamed African girls is that they lie. Do not lie about yourself and where you come from! It will end up catching up to you, I promise you that. Also, If you are an African girl with a strong accent don’t be afraid to speak, just take your time to learn the language.

In addition to taking time to learn the language you should allow time to make friends. Initially it may be difficult to make friends  but don’t be worried if you don’t have friends the first week or even a month. Just stay true to yourself and eventually the right people will come along. It may also be helpful to join clubs, as they are a great way to meet new people.

It’s important to Understand that times will be tough but you have the power to prevail. School will pass, people will mature, and everything will be okay. Don’t try to be like everyone else, you won’t be happy pretending to be someone you’re not. People will be out to get you so you have to stand guard and protect yourself.

If you have “friends” who make fun of you because you are African, do not associate yourself with them anymore and Don’t push away those African girls in your class that are always trying to speak to because you are embarrassed to be seen with them, they could be the best people you meet. Connect with other African girls, and be there for each other. If I could go back and embrace my culture at a younger age I would be so much happier. I can’t do that so I wrote this for those who are still young. Go out and live as an unapologetic African girl in school and in society!