Do We Forget to Listen When We Date?

By: Marchelle Bryant

Dating can be a fun thing, but it can also be detrimental to us both mentally and spiritually. As women we read into things that are not there sometimes. We hear one thing, but see another and our first response is “he said this, but he meant that.” No he meant exactly what he said. Also, what he did not say definitely did not imply he wants more with you. When we read more into what is not there, we put words into someone else’s mouth and then get upset because they move on or tell us, we’re nothing more than a friend. Then we start feeling like we’ve been betrayed or lied to.

When it comes to dating, for some strange reason the auditory sometimes become mute. We use the visual, we like what we see. Then, we interpret some actions to the resemblance of a relationship. We like the tactile touch of hugs, affection and we craves it. We love the scent of a man that smells nice and once it all is sealed with a kiss we are off and running, but what did we hear? Listening is vital. Men are very literal. They mean what they say no matter how subtle it is and they don’t need to over express much to be precise about what they want and don’t want.

It’s cut and dry and to the point. That’s how we miss it. That emotional side is the part that keeps getting in the way and ladies we have to learn how to tone it down to see and hear clearly. Also, we need to stop over looking little details that eventually get bigger. Some of the same little details that we dismiss are the major ones in the end that create chaos and dysfunctional endings. We can’t figure out how, or why it keeps happening and we keep making the same mistakes. When we start listening, we stop making so many mistakes.

When I was young my family was very protective so, I didn’t start dating seriously until my senior year of high school. I didn’t have a clue. Starting out we think it should be simple, you like me, I like you and we should be happy. When I started college, I met a guy at a family party and began to like him. After talking, we realized we went to the same college. After the party I thought this would be a perfect relationship, but this was far from what happened and it turned out to be an emotionally painful experience. I had a few other experiences that confused me later, but I received some good advice and an example of real caring that got me through those times.

God sent a caring person that was very nice to me during that time when my first college interest was hurting me. That was a critical time and he was sincere. I needed that at the time because head games were being played and I was misinterpreting what he really wanted. My Godsend, took the time to ask me a lot of questions and I heard a lot of my own responses being NO.

He helped me to see and hear with those no’s, the guy didn’t like me for anything other than trying to get sex from me. Instead of understanding that it was just where his head was at, I took it personal. I was annoyed by all the questions, but it was in my face. What else could I do, but face the truth? My special friend even mustered up the courage to ask, if I had had sex with him yet? He explained that was all he wanted and

he was only showing me attention to try to get what he wanted from me and he did not care. Of course I got defensive and guarded, because now I’m thinking, it’s going to be hard to trust anyone. When you feel like your being “played”, it feels like you’re being ridiculed and It is embarrassing. It’s a blow to the ego for anyone. My trust was gone and I was mad because I wasted time for weeks on someone that did not care about

me. Then it felt embarrassing because someone I just met, called it. I couldn’t see it or hear what was clear because my emotions got in the way. So, when this nice person came along I got scared and did not open up even though I liked him and strong feelings were growing for this special friend. We never got into a relationship as we both desired deep down inside because of my fear at first, and because of the timing that was needed for our careers. Nonetheless, we cared deeply for each other.

I was young and didn’t realize this was a blessing that was saving me from real hurt instead of just a bruised ego. I was thinking, how do I know when someone just wants to use me and when they really care? Thank God something inside made me trust my new friend enough to listen. I was thankful he was there because I could have made a mistake that I later regretted. If a man takes the time to give you advice you better listen. Over time I saw how attentive and patient he was. He cared about how I felt and spent quality time with me. It wasn’t physical and there was no material gifts, but that time was priceless, and it meant so much.

When things don’t work out some of us take what is happening as a personal attack. As if we’re being judged in some way and internalize that as the reason the situation is happening to us. We stick around and try to make it work because we are trying to justify that we are more than enough, or good enough for that person to like and want us. No one said you weren’t good enough. The situation is just not right for you and sometimes, it’s timing. We start questioning why doesn’t he like me or why did he approach me in the first place if he didn’t like me or act like he did when I wasn’t his type?

It has nothing to do with you, but you’re making it about you when it’s not your issue. We need to stop making other people’s issues ours. If they don’t have it together or know what they want, the best thing you can do for them is let them go. Let them learn what life has to teach them. That does not mean, you suffer along with them. It’s not your journey or your lesson to learn. You don’t need to go along for their roller coaster ride. I’ve been on a few myself, but at some point I would think back to my friend and realize, this was not right for me and it did not feel like caring as he had showed me.

In my late twenties I met someone that was interested in me, but he was on the rebound. Of course this person did not say “hey, I’m on the rebound and I’m just feeling a need to fill this void”, but he said some things that were clear and I heard them. A few weeks had passed, almost two months, and one day I met a few of his friends. This is when we get excited. We think it’s going somewhere. We’re meeting the family, or the friends, so we think this must mean I’m the one. NO, pump your brakes. This is where the truth lies and you need to be ready to hear it.

In talking and laughing, the guy I was casually dating asked a question, but he was really trying to see if he could keep me in line while he had no obligation. He wanted to see if I would allow “friendship with benefits,” or the “we kick’in it, like you are my woman, but you are not my woman.” Through joking he asked me why I did not answer the phone when he called me late the following night. It is important to understand, in jokes there is truth also.

I laughed like everyone else in the room, but my basic reply was, “why do you feel I owe you an answer?” He had not said I was anything like a girlfriend and I had learned with the person God sent to shield me that, if he didn’t say it, don’t you assume it. This guy went on to say something critical “see, if you were my woman, you would have a problem right about now.”

My response let him know I was listening and heard him clearly, “IF I were your woman, you would have enough respect to understand my schedule and know when I’m sleeping, and not call me at booty call hours during the night. IF your intentions were really about wanting to spend quality time, you would have found time during the day and it sounds like you could be threatening me, IF I was your woman. So, now we all know why you don’t have a woman past or present.”

His best friend looked at me and smiled. He told his friend “man you might as well stop. This one knows the game. I don’t know how she learned it, but she knows.” I knew and was able to finally put those skills into action because I was shown what real caring and love looked and felt like. Nothing else compared and if it was anything less than that, it would not make me happy or feel comfortable.

It is tiresome and, an emotional struggle when your pulling at something that is not clear. Who has time to waste in something like that. Until you learn to listen and understand the value of your self worth and time, you may very well struggle through it and let others waste your valuable time. That is why I am sharing this. So when you see it, you know it.

Meeting my date’s friends was critical and vital to find out what he was thinking. I could have misinterpreted the moment as something special. His questioning, why I did not answer the phone as if he missed me, could have been internalized as he wanted to talk or be near me even though he said; IF you were my woman. I also, could have thought as most do, I’m about to be his woman or he’s thinking about it.

Don’t be fooled, you either are or you are not, it is that simple. Men will let you know if you are in the friend zone, friend with benefits, or the roll and drop category no matter how nice they are or affectionate they may seem. Roll & drop means exactly that, a roll in the hay and then you’re dropped for the next person on their radar. Anyone that wants to be near you and spend quality time with you, will do it at a decent time and consistently. They want to get the most time in with you. Even if it means waiting to see you between classes just to talk.

They will make the time to see you because they enjoy it and want to. It won’t be a drop in or hours of creeping because that does not mean anything special. That only means,

they don’t want to get to know you, they only want pleasure and to get it done quickly. They don’t want to put in much time because they don’t want to be tied down or obligated. They can’t move on quickly and maneuver with ease, to get to the next person if someone is hanging on too close.

Dating and relationships are not perfect for anyone, but it is important that we learn along the way. I’ve made a few mistakes, but not clearly as many as I could have if God had not sent someone special to help me learn how to listen. This person had respect for me and helped me to have a self-check system.

Although, the timing was not on our side then, I cared for him mutually. I am forever grateful for how much he cared, was nice, what he taught me and showed me. Some situations can destroy you when you walk away or when some people are done with you, if you never experience real caring at least once in your life.

Those questions he asked, helped me to do my own checks and balances later in life and avoid some situations or get out of some before I lost me. He was a great model and positive example of what a real man’s caring and nurturing spirit felt like and I would find myself saying “he would never treat me this way.” This helped me if something was not right, if something was getting out of hand or I was becoming emotionally undone over someone that was not worth my time and energy. So, I hope this is helpful especially for young women or my fellow sistahs in general, to help them understand how important it is to listen. It is vital in protecting your spirit.