Overcoming Sexual Assult and Learning to Love Myself Again

By: C.A. Cantwell

Before I begin I would like to give a trigger warning, this will contain rape and sexual violence, so please proceed with caution.

I was lead to believe by media outlets, that a rapist was a creepy guy in a trench coat,that you would be able to tell was a bad person just by looking them. That is not the case though, because the boy who raped me was attractive, young, and looked presentable. My whole ordeal began at a club; I was a couple of drinks in and was feeling myself and just knew I was looking good. So when he walked up to me I thought nothing of it.

He was so good looking, so I thought I was safe, and when he, a black male , approached me, one of the only black girls at the club I felt so good. He asked me to come back to his room and hang with him and some friends to chill, and nothing more. I didn’t see the problem; I had gone to chill after the club before and nothing out of hand had ever happened, so my friends and I went to hang with them, just wanting to keep the party going.

On the way there I told him I was a virgin and that we would not be having sex. He said that was fine but once we got there it became apparent that it was not fine. He repeatedly tried to pressure me  into going to the bathroom with him. At the time I was not drunk and was fully aware of what he wanted to do in the bathroom, so I declined.  After he asked for the 8th time I began getting annoyed so his solution was to slip something into drink, which eventually made me black out.

The next thing I knew I woke up in my room with my glasses broken, my jean jacket ripped, and blood stains in my panties. I was completely confused and only grew more confused as my friend started crying, as she told me what had happened that night. My world stopped, my heart stopped, I couldn’t breathe, think, or even hear for minutes.

That was the day my entire world collapsed and flipped. I denied anything happened, and even though I knew something happened, I was lying to myself but still got Plan B just in case. I could not grasp what had happened and all aspects of my life were affected after that. I stopped going to classes, I didn’t go home on breaks, I refused to do anything but party more and drink more, anything to numb the pain.

I went through all of the phases, I blamed myself, and thought if only I had been wearing something different things would have turned out differently. I even told myself it was not rape, that it was fine, that I was fine, but I was slowly swept deeper and deeper into depression and unhealthy relationships.I soon began dating a man who was sexually and physically abusive and eventually I became an alcoholic.

After a year and a half of dealing with it on my own and watching my life crumble piece by piece, I finally told someone about all the issues I had been facing, and after talking we decided that I should go see a therapist. I put it off for a couple more months. And when I finally went, I still felt empty and dirty, and could not shed these feelings. I wanted to die, I could no longer take all the struggles that this one event had caused in my life.

Eventually a breakthrough occurred at one therapy session as my therapist started talking about self love as a way to cope and heal. I couldn’t comprehend how I could love myself after what had happened but after that conversation with my therapist my outlook changed. I began to think, “Could I love myself that much, and would doing so start a process of healing inside of me?” I didn’t think it was possible, but it was and it is. I began to look at the event and myself differently and soon I began to heal myself.

I wanted to share my story for anyone who is scared to share theirs. I share this so that our voices may be heard, because our stories matter. To let you know you are not alone. Also to help start the healing process for the girls who were at the place where I was or am.

First know that you are not to blame, you are worthy, and you did nothing to deserve this. Growing up I was not taught what consent was. So for every woman young and old I urge you to educate yourself on what consent is, if you are drunk, or on any type of drug that inhibits your decision making skills you cannot give consent. If you are pressured or forced into accepting sexual activities that is not consent. Because you have given consent on a previous occasion you do not have to give it again.

The first steps I recommend you take is to forgive yourself, and stop placing the blame, in any form on yourself for anything you think you did, could’ve done, or should’ve done. Know it was not your fault. The next is to take back your life. Take back the happiness they stole, the feeling of being at home in your own body. Having experienced sexual or physical trauma does not make you any less of a woman; know that your resilience is inspiring and amazing.

Protect yourself from anyone who makes you think you are less than because this happened, from anyone who blames you for this event. Treat yourself as if you are in an ongoing relationship with you. Love yourself, take yourself out on dates, pamper and spoil yourself. Come to love your body again and see all the beauty and wonder you have to offer. Talk to someone, go seek help from someone you trust, a therapist, a spiritual leader, as long as you feel safe telling them. You cannot let it grow and fester within your body. There is no time limit as to how long it should take you to heal, if it takes months or even years your healing process is only yours.