Should I Be Living in Fear Because I Am Black?

By: Khadijah Abdullahi

I am angry. Not because I am a black girl and all black girls are angry, but because I know my worth. I know my people’s worth. My personal opinion is that they know our worth too, and thus are intimidated. I am angry that my dream from a very young age of going to university in America has been destroyed by fear.

I do not want to be a victim of police brutality or any kind of racial attack. I do not want to be another statistic. I want to succeed in life; I want to be able to achieve the highest that I can because of my abilities, rather than being restricted because of the color of my skin. I am black and a Muslim, and now we have Donald Trump trying to ban all Muslims from entering the states, so even if I overcame my fear of being a fear of any kind of racial attack, I may be unable to enter because of my religion, because my religion automatically means I am a terrorist.

Because there aren’t approximately 1.6 billion Muslims in the world, and so if our religion automatically made us terrorists – I can assure that most of the world’s population would have already been wiped off the face of the planet by now. But no, let us let a small minority speak for the entire religion.

Michael Jackson said in his song  “They Don’t Care About Us,” ‘I am tired of being a victim of police brutality’. ‘I can’t breathe’. If he were alive I am sure he would be hurt. I am hurt. I am hurt that my people are being shot down in the streets like animals because of their skin color. I am not someone who cries a lot, but this topic honestly brings me to tears. It honestly devastates me that this is actually happening in the world.

The year I was born; 1999 in London, Michael Alder died in police custody after several hours of not being attended to. Now I am certain this would not have happened in this man’s skin was white. And this breaks my heart to think someone can be so cruel to kill or allow someone to die because of his or her skin colour.

I didn’t think I’d grow up worrying that I may not be able to attend a certain school because of where it’s located in the world and how my skin colour may trigger some kind of injustice towards me. I didn’t think my parents would have to tell me that even though I go to private school, there is still a possibility the white children may look down on me because of my skin colour.

The white children would question how I’m able to attend such a school. The White and black children would question me because I’m literate and I speak proper English. It is sad that even the black children call me white or an oreo because of my literacy, but I don’t even let it affect me and I am proud of this as I have come from a point of caring about people’s opinions of me, but no longer.

I just read about Josephine Baker who was denied reservations at hotels during the 1950s because she was black. But now we’re in 2016 and people are being arrested or killed simply for being black. Despite beliefs that claim that times are changing and that black people have more freedom in today’s society – indeed we do, but at the same time the power of the white man is increasing and this power is being imposed on blacks. George Zimmerman, the murderer of Trayvon Martin (1995-2012) decided a couple of weeks ago it would be acceptable to auction the gun he used to murder his victim.

To me this is disgusting. To me this is unacceptable. To me he should have been prosecuted in 2012 when he committed the crime, but no he still walks around a free man, whilst Trayvon Martin lies in the earth before his time was up. I saw a footage on Twitter, of a boy getting arrested for simply riding a bike on a pavement/sidewalk. This amazed me – this boy and George Zimmerman faced the same punishment for similar amounts of time, but the difference is one was black and was riding a bike and the other was a murderer.

This kind of injustice is what instils fear in me. As I said earlier – my dreams of going to an American university were shattered since I saw Trayvon’s case, but this was not the end, rather it was the beginning of what would be more black youths being victims of police brutality. And the problem actually is, it’s not only the youths. Sandra Bland. This case was one that shook me to the core as I was a bit older – I was old enough to understand that this was a hate crime and that the police involved in the case tried to cover up the face she was dead in the mug shots they released.

The first time I experienced blatant racism was shortly after I had started boarding school, so I was around 10. A Spanish boy was being teased by his friends about liking me and his response was ‘I don’t like nigger girls’. This took me aback – I had never experienced any kind of attack based on my skin colour that was intended to hurt me and possibly make me insecure about what I was.

Of course, being 10 and having been in a new environment I was upset, but from this is where my passion for black equality stems. When I was 13 I decided I no longer wanted to wear extensions or weaves of any kind and I stopped relaxing my hair also. I was proud of this transition and I still am as I have stuck by this to this day and I am now 17.

The relevance of the story regarding my hair is that once I stopped, obviously the white kids I was going to school with were always fascinated and suddenly, I found myself being asked: ‘can I touch your hair?’ From the first time being asked, I hated it. Am I an animal? Do I ask to touch your hair? This to me was derogatory, but I eventually got used to it, but people also learned not to ask me as I find it disrespectful.

I have had other boys, who are black themselves tell me at the age of 16 ‘I would make you my girlfriend if it wasn’t for your natural hair’. To anyone who thinks firstly, that I am ashamed of my hair and would for one second think to change it for a chance to become your ‘girlfriend’. You are very much mistaken. Secondly, for anyone who thinks I am insecure enough as a young black girl to change anything about me to please someone else, I am not and never shall I be. ‘Take me as I am, or not at all’ is the motto I adhere to.

Also at this age, I find it immensely insulting that a boy thinks I would change myself for them, I am trying to get an education and build, not change myself in hopes of gaining admiration from boys who I will probably not associate myself with 5 years down the line. I do not need a boy, who not only does not support me, but also desires for me to change certain aspects of myself for them. Kendrick Lamar said, “You hate my people, your plan is to terminate my culture”, however, this isn’t and shouldn’t only be aimed at the white man, but also the black man as they also seem to have a problem with it.

I don’t care if a black boy does not like me because of my black characteristics, but the fact they think it’s all right to tell me… I don’t want to be a stereotypical Twitter female, but if your mother is black and you believe her to be beautiful; all her black characteristics included, and yet you think it’s acceptable to criticize black girls for their features, which by the way, they cannot control, it presents somewhat of a contradiction to me. My own people, with the same characteristics are the ones who openly try to put me down for my features. Features that I am incredibly proud of. Features I will never change. Features that enable me to not be the ‘norm’.

Although, I do not like my skin discoloration or hyper pigmentation and this is the only thing that causes me any kind of sorrow regarding y skin type, I would honestly not change a thing about myself. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of where I’ve come from. I am proud of what I hope to be one day.